


Letters Never Sent

by whimsicalmusings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anger, Angst, Azkaban, Betrayal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3072215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalmusings/pseuds/whimsicalmusings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of letters written by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, during the twelve years of Sirius's imprisonment.<br/>You will probably cry...sorry :'(</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally published on my account @wolfstarfanfics on instagram...feel free to check it out there if you want, along with the other wolfstar stuff I've posted there! Hope you enjoy!

1 November 1981

Remus, 

I asked them for parchment and a quill before they threw me in here but they wouldn't give me any. They said no, Remus. They won't let me write you, so I'm sitting here and saying this in my head and I can feel the dementors and everything is cold and I'm never going to see you again. 

This is killing me Remy. I don't care if I die here, I just want you to know I didn't do it. I wasn't their secret keeper. I switched with Peter at the last minute because I knew everyone would expect it to be me. I should have told you. Merlin, I was so stupid. 

I love you Remus. I know I've told you a million times and I mean it. I really do love you. I love the way you'll do anything for chocolate and the way you curl up against me when it's cold at night. I love the flecks that you hate in your hair and the way your eyes sparkle when you find something exciting in the pages of one of those dreadfully long books that you enjoy so much. I love how brave you are. No matter how much you're hurting after a moon you never complain. Complain, Remus. It's okay. 

I killed Peter. Please forgive me. He betrayed them. What would you have done? I should have seen it it....I should have known it wasn't you. Beautiful, innocent, loving Remus you were never the spy. I never deserved your love. You trusted me and I didn't do the same for you. 

You're the only one left Moony. The last Marauder. I'm going to die in this cell, and Peter and James are gone. So it's just you. Don't let it all have been in vain. All the days we ran together, those were the best days of my life, Remus. Please, don't shut the world out. You deserve to live. You were always the best of us anyway. Please keep going. Please. 

I'm afraid Remy. I know I'm going to start forgetting. The good memories go first and all my best memories are of you. I don't want to forget, Remus. I don't want to lose you.  
I love you.

Sirius


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. You can also find this on @wolfstarfanfics on instagram along with chapter art!

2 November 1981

Sirius, 

When I heard the news I sat in your chair for hours until my tea went cold and Molly showed up and ordered me to sleep. I think she sat there all night to make sure I was fine. Fine…what a strange concept. I’ll never be fine again. The days and nights have blurred together into a cold and lonely string of meaningless moments. The full moon is approaching and for once, I don’t care. I want to forget everything, even if it’s only for twelve hours. 

Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I want with all my heart to believe this is a mistake, but so many people saw what happened in the street. You were their Secret Keeper, no one but you knew where they were. Lily and James…. how could you Sirius?! And what about me? What about us? I keep asking myself how I could have possibly missed it. Why didn’t I realize the man I loved was betraying us all? I suppose I didn’t want to consider it. What I really want to know, Sirius, is when you decided we weren’t good enough for you. When did you get tired of being a Marauder and decide that Death Eater was a more fitting title? 

I’m trying to think of alternatives. To put together nonexistent puzzle pieces and prove your innocence so you can come home. But there are no puzzle pieces. No matter how hard I look, there’s nothing for me to find. All the evidence points to you, Sirius. You did this. I guess I just have to find a way to live with that. 

I love you. Three words have never hurt me so much before. I love you. I love you. I love you. Just thinking it makes my whole heart ache. I remember the way you used to say those words in just the right way, and I believed you were telling the truth. I believed in you and I believed in us. I guess you didn’t. But as hard as I try, I can’t stop loving you. Don’t get me wrong, I hate you. I hate every particle of your stupid mangy self and I will never ever forgive you. But I love you anyway and there’s nothing I can do to change that. 

I can’t actually send this to you, of course. The prisoners of Azkaban aren’t allowed mail. Dammit Sirius, I hope you know how much you’ve hurt me. 

Remus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading...please comment <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you're still reading... :)

6 November 1981

Remus, 

I've started forgetting things and I can't bear it. I'm trying to remember what your lips taste like and the way your eyes light up when you laugh, but I can't. The memories are there but I just can't...think of them....if that makes sense? For instance, I know that I love laying with my head in your lap and watching you read, but when I try and remember the expression on your face or what it feels like when you absentmindedly run your fingers through my hair, I can't remember a single detail. It's maddening. 

Moony, do you remember how we used to joke about Azkaban after we pulled a particularly clever prank? Remember we'd laugh about how awful we imagined it must be? Well we weren't close at all. I can't even describe to you how terrible it is in this place. There's this quiet cold chill that hangs over everything and it works its way into your head, Remus. It messes with your mind. When new prisoners are dragged in they scream for a few days and then they fall silent. I bet I screamed too. But it doesn't take long in this place to realize that you'll die here and screaming will do you no good either way. I'm going to die here, Remus. I'm going to die here without ever seeing you again. Without ever saying I'm sorry. 

We were fighting the night they died. I can't get that out of my head. You screamed that I should trust you and that I was being a selfish arse. I was, Remus. I'm sorry. And when you stormed down to our basement and locked the door, you yelled that I'd better not follow you. I should have stayed and waited until you were ready to talk, but instead I ran out. The night was cold and dark and I just walked. I walked for a long time, trying to get away from the war, our fight, everything really. And then I got the Patronus that they were dead and I know I should have gone back for you. I should have found you and let you hold me while we cried. If I hadn't already been so angry from our fight that's probably what I would have done. If I'd gone back then I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be alone right now. I'll never forgive myself for that. 

I wonder about you every day. What are you are doing? Are you still in our flat or did you have to leave? Is someone making sure you eat and sleep? And what do you think of me now, Remus? I know there's no way you could still love me and I'm guessing you hate the very thought of me. I really don't blame you, Rem. I hate me too. If it counts for anything, I love you no matter what. Even if you're convinced I am the most despicable human being on this goddamn planet, I still love you. And there's no way I'm letting this miserable place take that from me. 

Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments!!! :D  
> (I swear, they make me so freaking happy you have no idea)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

8 November 1981

Sirius, 

Dumbledore stopped in today. He said he wanted to come earlier but couldn't because of Order business. He brought Harry to his aunt and uncle's house, the muggles that used to send Lily those hideous vases. I'm worried they won't like him (remember Lily told us how much they hate magic) but Dumbledore promised he'd keep an eye on Harry. So I guess that's that. 

Anyway, the reason he stopped in was to make sure I was doing okay...you know....because of you. Turns out he was in love with Grindewald, so I guess he knows what this is like. I should consider myself lucky I don't have to duel you for the fate of the Wizarding World. Gosh, I can't even imagine that, fighting you. I don't think I'd be able to do it, Sirius, even after all you've done. How pathetic is that? I love you even though you've taken everything from me. 

I asked Dumbledore if it gets easier with time. He just shook his head and there were tears in his eyes. "One of the many things I've learned from teaching is that people change when they grow older" he told me. "In some, it's a beautiful transformation. I watched James become mature and loyal, a worthy friend. You, Remus, began to believe in yourself. You learned to find beauty in the world around you and you learned to trust." The tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and slid down his cheeks as he said, "for Sirius, growing up meant facing the demons of his childhood and ancestry. It's terrible that time forced such a loyal and brave boy to grow into a man so lost and confused that he betrayed the people he loved. But it wasn't your fault, Remus. You must understand that. You will find some way to move on from this. Oh yes, it will always be painful. Some days will be harder than others. And you'll always love part of him, the part you grew up with. No matter what you do, you can't escape that." And then he was really crying and I was comforting him even though it should of have been the other way around. 

I don't think anyone was there to comfort him after Grindewald's betrayal. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not alone. Molly keeps bringing over food and some of the Order members have dropped by as well. Everyone is shocked, Sirius. Everyone trusted you. 

It's just a few days till the full moon and I don't know how I'm going to face it without you. I want to forget everything, I welcome it. But when I wake up bleeding and broken who is going to be there with bandages and gentle hands and medicine and tea? I should arrange for help but I'm too ashamed to ask. Asking would mean admitting how much I needed you, how much I still need you. I hate myself, Sirius. I hate the wolf inside of me and I hate how I feel about you. If it weren't for Harry, I think I'd die right now. One silver bullet and I'd never have to think of you again. 

I'm going to cut this letter off because I'm crying again and you aren't here to hold me and tell me it's alright. One last thing, Sirius. Dumbledore said he was sure you loved me, and you still do. I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure I want to believe him.  
Goodbye Sirius. 

Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is far as I have written...hopefully the next chapter will be posted soon. Just another reminder that you can follow @wolfstarfanfics on instagram to get in touch with me and stay notified about when new chapters will be posted. Thanks for reading!! Please leave a comment :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update!

12 November 1981

Dear Remus,

The full moon was last night. I stayed up all night looking out of my cell at the sky. I cannot imagine how you faced it without James or me. Merlin, I wish I could know for sure that you’re alive and safe right now.

Did you chain yourself last night, Remus? You must have, I know you would never risk hurting anyone. I know how much those blasted chains hurt you…I should never have let you put them in the flat!

And did someone come in the morning and preform healing spells and bandage your wounds? I hope someone was there for you, but at the same time I despise the very idea because it means someone took my place. It means someone held you as you woke up and told you “it’s over now” and “you’re safe, Rems, I’ve got you”…but that someone wasn’t me. 

I’m torn, Remus. On one hand, I want you to be safe and loved and cared for. I want you to find someone to take my place, someone who will love you just the way you are. Someone who will appreciate just how bloody hot you look in those goddamn oversize jumpers and how perfect your stupid lips are. Someone who will remember exactly how you like your tea, and who will remind you to eat dinner when you’re engrossed in a book. But I want that person to be me. I don't want you to fall for anyone else, because I'll only ever love you. 

Thinking about you hurts so much, but I don't want to stop because I'm afraid I'll forget you if I do. If I forget you I think it will actually kill me. 

Please stay safe. I couldn't care less what happens to me in here, but I want you to be okay. You deserve the world, Remus John Lupin. I wish I could be there to give it to you, but it looks like you're going to have to do it on your own. I'm sorry. 

Thinking of you always,  
Sirius


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote the beginning of this fic years ago and then stopped writing fics and shut down my fandom Instagram account and decided I had to deal with "real life" and "growing up," whatever that's supposed to mean. Long story short I'm going through a hard time right now. I stumbled across some wolfstar fanart earlier today and it made happier than I've been in days. I ended up logging into my Archive of Our Own account and rereading my old stuff, and I decided I'm going to finish this fic. I don't know if anyone will actually read it, but if someone does then it’s worth it.

12 November 1981

Dear Sirius,

Part of me hoped I wouldn't wake up this morning but there I was lying broken on the basement floor, shackles and chains draped across my bleeding body. See, they did end up being useful after all. I remember how we argued the day I put them in the flat. You said “I’ll always be with you, Remus. You don’t need the chains; you’re never going to have to face another moon alone.” How stupid I was for believing you. Did you know then, Sirius? Did you know then that you’d betray our friends and break my heart? 

When I woke up, the first thing I realized was that I was alone. You weren’t there, wrapping your arms around me and saying “it’s over now, I’ve got you Rem.” For a short moment I was scared that I’d hurt you so badly you couldn't get to me, and then it all came rushing back. I didn’t hurt you; YOU hurt ME. You broke me. You betrayed James and Lily and you left me alone. I just laid there and sobbed. What else could I do?

Dumbledore came later, and Molly too. They cast healing spells and wrapped me in bandages and blankets, but all I could think about was how you used to brush your lips lightly across each wound as you healed it, murmuring under your breath that I still looked beautiful even with scars. They used magic to carry me upstairs and lay me in bed, and the whole time I remembered how you’d pick me up yourself and carry me in your arms. As they walked out, Molly left dishes of food on a table by the bed and told me to send an owl if I needed anything. You would have climbed in bed next to me, careful not to rub against any new wounds, and held me while I slept. You would have been there later when I woke up thirsty and couldn’t move far enough to reach the pitcher of water or my wand. You would have been there, Sirius, if you hadn’t sold James and Lily to Voldemort and gotten yourself locked in fucking Azkaban. 

I think I need to stop writing these letters to you. I don’t think they’re doing me any good, and I can’t send them to you anyways. Dumbledore and Molly aren’t going to come after every moon. I need to learn to take care of myself, and that means starting over without you. You’re gone, and its time for me to accept that. Writing letters I’ll never send isn’t going to bring you back. 

Goodbye Sirius. 

Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please shoot me a comment if you liked this! I've got some thoughts about a couple more chapters that I'd like to write as soon as I have some time, but it would definitely be inspiring to know that someone is eager to read them! :) xx


End file.
